Furlough Musings
Our summer back in the USA isflying by - we are already halfway through our furlough. It's been jam-packed with lots of visits with friends and supporters, presentations, and a day at Disneyland, which the boys LOVED. The boys are weathering the transition beautifully, though we still have a hard time getting Moses to pee inside. Yesterday while swimming at a friend's house, we all looked over and saw him "watering" their palm tree. At least he didn't pee in the pool... We are enjoying each moment, though Dan and I are both missing Peru and anxious to get back to the Caquinte and our life there with them.
We are still trying to get my depression medication figured out. The beginning of the journey actually started years ago when I went on birth control and soon after had to begin a mild anti-depressive. With each birth, my hormones kicked up and we ended up changing drugs again. We (with the doctor's blessing) have decided to see what happens if I get all drugs and extra hormones out of my system. Now I am off the drugs and have switched to a non-hormonal based birth control. I have been praying that God would simply heal me. So far so good, though Dan and I are taking bets as to how long it will be until I wind up pregnant again (eek). Thanks so much to the many of you who have been praying for me specifically in this area.
A big struggle in this drug war has been trying to figure out how to function through the sleepiness. I've often slept up to 14 hours a day and been tired during the other ten. Trying to juggle everything without dropping a few (or all) of my balls has been awful and has often left me feeling completely inadequate in every way. Dan has been supportive, but it has been for him to have a wife that can't carry her load. The boys can't communicate their feelings, but it has affected them to have a mommy without enough energy to play with them like I want to. My language study goal for the summer has gone out the window. I don't call my best girlfriends nearly as often as I should. And on and on and on I see where I am totally failing.
The other night after the boys were in bed, I drove up to a lookout point and bawled for a long time. Why would God give those 3 hyper, little boys to me when I can't take care of them like I should? Why put me in a ministry that requires so much time and focus, when I struggle to have enough of either? In so many ways, I feel like a joke with legs. People that don't know me well enough pat me on the back for being a missionary, and I just want to say, "You are more qualified - maybe you should be there instead."
On Sunday, our outreach pastor preached on the human condition. What he was talking about was our sinfulness, but I got stuck on point one. We are made in God's image, and everything good about us is a reflection of who God is. The reality is that this fallen world produces fallen people like me with shortcomings, temptations, and weaknesses. And that is what grace is for. Grace to cover sin, and grace to cover sleepiness. Without my struggles, how else would I rely on Him for each day? How else could I know Him as a fortress and rock? One of my favorite songs has a lyric that says, "Be gentle with me, Jesus, as you tear me apart." How I have felt that these last few years! As He has ripped away layers of self-entitlement, self-focus, selfishness, He has gently filled those places with a greater understanding of who He is. In the same moment He revealed my inadequacies, He poured His grace and I realized it's okay.
If there is one thing that I know that I know, it is that God will NOT share His glory with anyone. If he has killed (some of) my pride in order to lift Himself high, then I am SO THANKFUL because more than anything I want my life to be used to glorify Him. In 1 Corinthians 1:26-31, Paul explains that God uses the weak, foolish, lowly (ooh ooh, that's me!!) so that no one could boast before Him. Anything that I do right is clearly a result of God's grace. This not only strengthens my faith, but (I hope) pushes others to consider the cross too.
I know that I am not the only one that struggles with feeling like I can't measure up, so I pray that if one of you identifies with me you will be encouraged that (1) Even your flaws have purpose in bringing your Savior the glory He deserves, and (2) No one else really measures up either, and for that we are glad because we can boast about the Great God who adores us and sees us through the blood of Jesus who is more than enough.