DanandDalaina.com

 *I actually wrote this a few months ago in preparation for speaking at my old MOPS group. I just realized that it never made it to the blog and probably should. Here it is:

Ari Ococa. Aatoniji Pimetoquempi. That is Caquinte for “don't do that so you won't kill yourself.” It is the first Caquinte phrase I learned, and if you know my 3 boys, you know why. It is also a phrase that many of the Caquinte moms can relate to. Because really a mother is a mother no matter where she is from. Yes, there are differences between “them” and “us.” For example:
 
The women in our village become mothers not in the hospital but on grass mats in their smoke houses assisted by their mothers and sisters.  And most have their first child between the ages of 15 and 20.
 
Since there is no birth control, they keep having children year after year. It is not uncommon for people to have siblings much younger then their own children.
 
There is no professional medical care in the village, so nearly every woman I know has lost a child to some disease or another.
 
Their beds are not king-sized or queen sized, just a pile of blankets on the floor under a mosquito net.
 
Most have never seen a toilet, much less used one.
 
Their husbands work hard to put a roof over their heads and food on the tables, only for them it is literal. The men build the houses, fish in the river, and hack out gardens in the jungle.
 
To make a meal, the Caqunite women don't go to the grocery store to find food; they hike for a couple of miles to their gardens where they gather whatever they need for the coming week.
 
But there a similarities too:
When they are stressed and overwhelmed, just like us, they go talk to their mom or girlfriends and get advice.
 
Like us, the Caquinte worry about their children. Though instead of being scared of car accidents, kidnapping, and pedophiles, Caquinte women worry about malaria, dysentery, and deadly snakes.
 
They work hard to be good wives. They have dreams for their children. They love to laugh.
 
Our ministry among the Caquinte tribe is multi-faceted. We are not medically trained, but we provided some medical care for the community. We are helping them ease into the modern world bit by bit because there is really no way for them to avoid it any longer. But the most crucial role we play is introducing the Gospel to them and showing them what it means to have a relationship with Jesus. You see, we all are looking for peace. For us, peace from a chaotic world. For them, peace from fear of evil spirits. We are all looking for unconditional love and joy that doesn't fade. Though our families and friends do supply us with great love and joy, we all know that it can never be enough. As some of the Caquinte are now discovering, a relationship with Jesus is the only thing that can satisfy us eternally.
 
In our tribe, everyone is related, so no one uses names, they use kinship terms. Our family has been accepted as a part of this family, so these women in a sense really are my mothers, my sisters, and my daughters. I am honored to share my life with them, and I hope they learn something from me as I have already learned so much about strength, sacrifice, and perseverance through them.

 
Two weeks from today we will be flying back to Peru. Though in many ways we feel that we are going home, there are still a lot of unknowns about the upcoming year. As we get ready to go I am finding myself anxious and stressed. Some of it is just the stress of trying to move a family across the world. Because I am a get-it-done personality, the fact that we are on vacation right now is actually more stressful in some ways because I just want to be getting ready to go. Dan keeps reminding me that I need to RELAX and just enjoy our family (I'm trying, I really am). And part of me can't help wondering about what is coming when we get back to South America.
Anyway, the other day I found an old CD from my college days that I accidentally forgot to take with us to Peru last year. Last night I finally had a chance to listen to it again. It is about 20 minutes of prophetic monologue and FULL of beautiful messages that God has used repeatedly in my life. So I was listening to this CD and there it was - just what I needed to remember right now. 

"God has called you to do the invisible and impossible. God has not called you to do the things you can do; He's called you to do the things you'll never be able to do in a million years... There is no security in what God is doing; there is only security in who God is.  

You cannot find security in what God is doing because He commits you to the impossible and calls you to do the outrageous. He will throw you into situations beyond you with no other thought then that His great heart will sustain you... 

And the answer of God to every excuse you want to make as to why you can't do something is always the same - 'Nevertheless, I will be with you.'
See, what God has called us to do is outrageous, impossible, and totally unpredictable, and the only way we will do it is because we are secure in the nature of God."
 
I love this particular passage of the CD because it reminds me that it is not about my talents, abilities, or determination, it's about God Himself choosing to do a work and seeing it through to completion - both in terms of ministry and my family. It also reminds me that following God's will is a wild ride, and my confidence doesn't rest in the experience of what He is doing. My confidence rests in God who is always good and always right. His nature is consistent, and that is the rock that I rest on. 
 
Often I struggle with how to respond to the inevitable "I could never do what you are doing" comment. Because I FEEL THE SAME WAY. The reality is that God's calling on each of our lives is always bigger than we are, simply so that we know beyond any doubt that He is the one that will do it. Eventually, we have to come to the place where we "learn to rest in the nature of God, so that when He comes walking in the impossible, you will be the one who gets out of the boat to join Him. You won't be one standing there thinking about joining Him. There will be an instinctive, intuitive need to put your leg over the side of the boat and start walking on a substance you have no business being on except that He is drawing you there."

If you have ever heard my testimony, you've probably heard me explain that my motivation to work in missions is not very typical. I didn't decide to go overseas because I have a huge burden for the lost (I do, but that is not why I decided to go). It's not because I feel overwhelming compassion for the less-fortunate (again...). I wanted to go into overseas missions because I saw so much evidence of God working in huge ways among communities of people without access to the Gospel, and I simply wanted to be right there where God is working. I want a front row seat to see what He will do. In fact, one of my selfish prayers is "God, please don't let me miss it when you wow the Caquinte with Your awesomeness. Even if I am not directly involved in the situation, let me be close enough to watch."
 
So that means that sometimes I do throw myself into situations beyond my abilities and qualifications, but I figure if I am going to get close enough to watch the God of creation do His thing, I might get a little singed. Totally worth it. And ultimately I figure that I am safest and happiest glued next to my unpredictable, consistent God. I just can't figure out why anyone would want to be anywhere else?

 When Beth Moore is blown away by a God thing, she gets on her knees and shouts, "Glory!" For me, my fingers itch to sit and write before all of my feelings blow me off the face of the earth. So here I am...
A moment ago I was washing dishes and replaying this morning in my head, particularly conversations I had with a few different women as I worked my way from the sanctuary to the car. All of them came with a word of encouragement for me in saying that they had been blessed by reading my blog and e-mail updates. The crazy thing is that they were just a few in a long string of similar conversations I've had over the past 2 weeks since my most recent tell-all blog. Both close friends and women I scarcely know called, wrote, and approached me with the general theme that they were comforted/surprised/blessed/touched by reading the confession of a full time ministry mom that doesn't have it all together.
I was thinking about all of this and just found myself in tears at the awesomeness of God. It is only  God who can take a confession of my unworthiness and unloveliness and just vomit up blessing upon blessing over me and the women in my life. How... ... ... 
At the very moment when I was discouraged and feeling like I couldn't measure up, God first spoke and then confirmed His message of grace over and over. And if anyone has ever experienced the delight of touching someone's soul, you can only imagine my overwhelming joy of hearing these testimonies. 
If any of this sounds like a pat on the back or boasting, know that is NOT at all my intent or heart. I am simply awestruck with new understanding of the phrase "beauty from ashes." And that is truly not a work I could ever do! I am thankful to God for prodding me to be open and honest about where I am in life and ministry because He has blessed beyond words as a result. 

 It's July! That just blows my mind because it means that we are halfway back to Peru. Our days continue to be busy with appointments and visits with friends. I have started my back to Peru shopping and already am realizing that some of those things on the shopping list may be left un-purchased because of both the cost and the lack of room in our return baggage.
Our favorite thing to do is meet with supporters and catch up both in their lives and in ours. It's been frustrating at the many people that we want to met with but haven't been able to. I forgot how BUSY people are in the USA all the time. I was also reminded by a friend that some people simply don't care to meet with us and hear about where their money is going. Some really are content to write a check and not worry about it. It's weird to me, but I am trying to be okay with it. 
I thought this halfway point would be a good time to evaluate where we are in terms of our summer goals. They were:
1) Raise $800 in new monthly support  
2) For at least the first 6 weeks, each spend 5 hours per week in concentrated language study.
3) Spend time in strategic planning and review with Drew and the RCC advisor team
4) Reconnect with RCC, our supporters, friends, and family 
5) Be a part of our old lifegroup
6) Be involved in RCC life and ministries where possible 
I think we have done well with 4,5, & 6. As far as number 1, we have about $450 left to go. Dan is doing well at number 2, but I have only once sat down with the flash cards. It's really hard to do with three little kids, and there is just no way around that. We hope to see more of 3 soon, but like I said, people are just BUSY here and getting everyone together is tough.
All in all, I think we are doing okay. Room for improvement to be sure, but I am happy with where we are at this halfway point. 

Our summer back in the USA isflying by - we are already halfway through our furlough. It's been jam-packed with lots of visits with friends and supporters, presentations, and a day at Disneyland, which the boys LOVED. The boys are weathering the transition beautifully, though we still have a hard time getting Moses to pee inside. Yesterday while swimming at a friend's house, we all looked over and saw him "watering" their palm tree. At least he didn't pee in the pool... We are enjoying each moment, though Dan and I are both missing Peru and anxious to get back to the Caquinte and our life there with them.
 
We are still trying to get my depression medication figured out. The beginning of the journey actually started years ago when I went on birth control and soon after had to begin a mild anti-depressive. With each birth, my hormones kicked up and we ended up changing drugs again. We (with the doctor's blessing) have decided to see what happens if I get all drugs and extra hormones out of my system. Now I am off the drugs and have switched to a non-hormonal based birth control. I have been praying that God would simply heal me. So far so good, though Dan and I are taking bets as to how long it will be until I wind up pregnant again (eek). Thanks so much to the many of you who have been praying for me specifically in this area. 
 
A big struggle in this drug war has been trying to figure out how to function through the sleepiness. I've often slept up to 14 hours a day and been tired during the other ten. Trying to juggle everything without dropping a few (or all) of my balls has been awful and has often left me feeling completely inadequate in every way. Dan has been supportive, but it has been for him to have a wife that can't carry her load. The boys can't communicate their feelings, but it has affected them to have a mommy without enough energy to play with them like I want to. My language study goal for the summer has gone out the window. I don't call my best girlfriends nearly as often as I should. And on and on and on I see where I am totally failing. 
 
The other night after the boys were in bed, I drove up to a lookout point and bawled for a long time. Why would God give those 3 hyper, little boys to me when I can't take care of them like I should? Why put me in a ministry that requires so much time and focus, when I struggle to have enough of either? In so many ways, I feel like a joke with legs. People that don't know me well enough pat me on the back for being a missionary, and I just want to say, "You are more qualified - maybe you should be there instead." 
 
On Sunday, our outreach pastor preached on the human condition. What he was talking about was our sinfulness, but I got stuck on point one. We are made in God's image, and everything good about us is a reflection of who God is. The reality is that this fallen world produces fallen people like me with shortcomings, temptations, and weaknesses. And that is what grace is for. Grace to cover sin, and grace to cover sleepiness. Without my struggles, how else would I rely on Him for each day? How else could I know Him as a fortress and rock? One of my favorite songs has a lyric that says, "Be gentle with me, Jesus, as you tear me apart." How I have felt that these last few years! As He has ripped away layers of self-entitlement, self-focus, selfishness, He has gently filled those places with a greater understanding of who He is. In the same moment He revealed my inadequacies, He poured His grace and I realized it's okay. 
 
If there is one thing that I know that I know, it is that God will NOT share His glory with anyone. If he has killed (some of) my pride in order to lift Himself high, then I am SO THANKFUL because more than anything I want my life to be used to glorify Him. In 1 Corinthians 1:26-31, Paul explains that God uses the weak, foolish, lowly (ooh ooh, that's me!!) so that no one could boast before Him. Anything that I do right is clearly a result of God's grace. This not only strengthens my faith, but (I hope) pushes others to consider the cross too. 
I know that I am not the only one that struggles with feeling like I can't measure up, so I pray that if one of you identifies with me you will be encouraged that (1) Even your flaws have purpose in bringing your Savior the glory He deserves, and (2) No one else really measures up either, and for that we are glad because we can boast about the Great God who adores us and sees us through the blood of Jesus who is more than enough.