DanandDalaina.com

 When Beth Moore is blown away by a God thing, she gets on her knees and shouts, "Glory!" For me, my fingers itch to sit and write before all of my feelings blow me off the face of the earth. So here I am...
A moment ago I was washing dishes and replaying this morning in my head, particularly conversations I had with a few different women as I worked my way from the sanctuary to the car. All of them came with a word of encouragement for me in saying that they had been blessed by reading my blog and e-mail updates. The crazy thing is that they were just a few in a long string of similar conversations I've had over the past 2 weeks since my most recent tell-all blog. Both close friends and women I scarcely know called, wrote, and approached me with the general theme that they were comforted/surprised/blessed/touched by reading the confession of a full time ministry mom that doesn't have it all together.
I was thinking about all of this and just found myself in tears at the awesomeness of God. It is only  God who can take a confession of my unworthiness and unloveliness and just vomit up blessing upon blessing over me and the women in my life. How... ... ... 
At the very moment when I was discouraged and feeling like I couldn't measure up, God first spoke and then confirmed His message of grace over and over. And if anyone has ever experienced the delight of touching someone's soul, you can only imagine my overwhelming joy of hearing these testimonies. 
If any of this sounds like a pat on the back or boasting, know that is NOT at all my intent or heart. I am simply awestruck with new understanding of the phrase "beauty from ashes." And that is truly not a work I could ever do! I am thankful to God for prodding me to be open and honest about where I am in life and ministry because He has blessed beyond words as a result. 

 It's July! That just blows my mind because it means that we are halfway back to Peru. Our days continue to be busy with appointments and visits with friends. I have started my back to Peru shopping and already am realizing that some of those things on the shopping list may be left un-purchased because of both the cost and the lack of room in our return baggage.
Our favorite thing to do is meet with supporters and catch up both in their lives and in ours. It's been frustrating at the many people that we want to met with but haven't been able to. I forgot how BUSY people are in the USA all the time. I was also reminded by a friend that some people simply don't care to meet with us and hear about where their money is going. Some really are content to write a check and not worry about it. It's weird to me, but I am trying to be okay with it. 
I thought this halfway point would be a good time to evaluate where we are in terms of our summer goals. They were:
1) Raise $800 in new monthly support  
2) For at least the first 6 weeks, each spend 5 hours per week in concentrated language study.
3) Spend time in strategic planning and review with Drew and the RCC advisor team
4) Reconnect with RCC, our supporters, friends, and family 
5) Be a part of our old lifegroup
6) Be involved in RCC life and ministries where possible 
I think we have done well with 4,5, & 6. As far as number 1, we have about $450 left to go. Dan is doing well at number 2, but I have only once sat down with the flash cards. It's really hard to do with three little kids, and there is just no way around that. We hope to see more of 3 soon, but like I said, people are just BUSY here and getting everyone together is tough.
All in all, I think we are doing okay. Room for improvement to be sure, but I am happy with where we are at this halfway point. 

Our summer back in the USA isflying by - we are already halfway through our furlough. It's been jam-packed with lots of visits with friends and supporters, presentations, and a day at Disneyland, which the boys LOVED. The boys are weathering the transition beautifully, though we still have a hard time getting Moses to pee inside. Yesterday while swimming at a friend's house, we all looked over and saw him "watering" their palm tree. At least he didn't pee in the pool... We are enjoying each moment, though Dan and I are both missing Peru and anxious to get back to the Caquinte and our life there with them.
 
We are still trying to get my depression medication figured out. The beginning of the journey actually started years ago when I went on birth control and soon after had to begin a mild anti-depressive. With each birth, my hormones kicked up and we ended up changing drugs again. We (with the doctor's blessing) have decided to see what happens if I get all drugs and extra hormones out of my system. Now I am off the drugs and have switched to a non-hormonal based birth control. I have been praying that God would simply heal me. So far so good, though Dan and I are taking bets as to how long it will be until I wind up pregnant again (eek). Thanks so much to the many of you who have been praying for me specifically in this area. 
 
A big struggle in this drug war has been trying to figure out how to function through the sleepiness. I've often slept up to 14 hours a day and been tired during the other ten. Trying to juggle everything without dropping a few (or all) of my balls has been awful and has often left me feeling completely inadequate in every way. Dan has been supportive, but it has been for him to have a wife that can't carry her load. The boys can't communicate their feelings, but it has affected them to have a mommy without enough energy to play with them like I want to. My language study goal for the summer has gone out the window. I don't call my best girlfriends nearly as often as I should. And on and on and on I see where I am totally failing. 
 
The other night after the boys were in bed, I drove up to a lookout point and bawled for a long time. Why would God give those 3 hyper, little boys to me when I can't take care of them like I should? Why put me in a ministry that requires so much time and focus, when I struggle to have enough of either? In so many ways, I feel like a joke with legs. People that don't know me well enough pat me on the back for being a missionary, and I just want to say, "You are more qualified - maybe you should be there instead." 
 
On Sunday, our outreach pastor preached on the human condition. What he was talking about was our sinfulness, but I got stuck on point one. We are made in God's image, and everything good about us is a reflection of who God is. The reality is that this fallen world produces fallen people like me with shortcomings, temptations, and weaknesses. And that is what grace is for. Grace to cover sin, and grace to cover sleepiness. Without my struggles, how else would I rely on Him for each day? How else could I know Him as a fortress and rock? One of my favorite songs has a lyric that says, "Be gentle with me, Jesus, as you tear me apart." How I have felt that these last few years! As He has ripped away layers of self-entitlement, self-focus, selfishness, He has gently filled those places with a greater understanding of who He is. In the same moment He revealed my inadequacies, He poured His grace and I realized it's okay. 
 
If there is one thing that I know that I know, it is that God will NOT share His glory with anyone. If he has killed (some of) my pride in order to lift Himself high, then I am SO THANKFUL because more than anything I want my life to be used to glorify Him. In 1 Corinthians 1:26-31, Paul explains that God uses the weak, foolish, lowly (ooh ooh, that's me!!) so that no one could boast before Him. Anything that I do right is clearly a result of God's grace. This not only strengthens my faith, but (I hope) pushes others to consider the cross too. 
I know that I am not the only one that struggles with feeling like I can't measure up, so I pray that if one of you identifies with me you will be encouraged that (1) Even your flaws have purpose in bringing your Savior the glory He deserves, and (2) No one else really measures up either, and for that we are glad because we can boast about the Great God who adores us and sees us through the blood of Jesus who is more than enough.
 

This weekend Dan is gone to Tsoroja to get the internet installed out there. I got left with the three boys, and it has already been quite a weekend even though it is only half over.

Dan left yesterday morning at 6 am, and he woke up the boys in the process. When I went to their room to get them up, Moses was happily sitting on top of the dresser which happens to be about 6 1/2 feet tall. Jake still had a 104 fever from the night before. I carried the twins downstairs, and Moses lagged behind. Unfortunately a light socket in the hallway caught his attention, and I had to kiss the boo boo on his finger he got from being electrocuted. While I was consoling Moses, Ben climbed a bookcase and started eating a tube of diaper rash cream. And this was all before breakfast...

The day continued with much of my time taken up with Moses' potty training. We are proudly bribing him with gummy bears for number 2, and he has figured out how to control his bowels enough so that each poopy takes at least a dozen times on the toilet. I am running out of gummy bears...

In the afternoon, my teammate came over to let me know that Moses has been terrorizing everyone's yard for the past couple of days, and they just now figured out that it was him (because all the other kids were inside). See, a few days ago, we made it very clear to Moses that he was not to use the water hose, but we neglected to tell him that included everyone else's water hoses as well. He went over to our neighbor's yard, pulled down some steel rebar (don't know how he managed to lift it) and then unwound their hose, sprayed their porch down and managed to spray the curtains INSIDE their house as well. He has apparently pulled similar stunts at a couple of the other houses as well. I had a talk with him, and he learned to say "please forgive me" in English and Portuguese before dinner.

While Moses was apologizing, the twins got sent to their room for whining. When I went up to get them, one of them had pulled the door to their dresser right off it's hinges. Again, I don't know how since the door is significantly taller and heavier then either of them. Maybe it was a combined effort...

By the time bedtime rolled around, I was ready for it. Jacob, still feverish, was not convinced bedtime was what he needed, so he put up a stink for an hour and a half before he passed out. Around 3 am, he wanted to have another go-around. After a dose of Tylenol, an attempt at sleeping in my bed, and an hour of my life, he fell asleep again. But only after waking up Moses and Ben first.

This morning, the boys sweetly let me sleep in until 7:30. Not because they were sleeping though. No, they were just very quietly vandalizing their room. I walked in and found blood on the wall, dripping down the infamous dresser, all over the clothes that had been pulled out of the drawers, and in a puddle on the floor. There was broken glass from a light fixture on the floor, in each bed, in each drawer, and in Moses' hand (though he didn't seem to mind much). I ushered them downstairs and realized that now Ben needed tylenol for a fever too. After breakfast I stupidly decided that I needed to go to the bathroom. In the (literally) minute and a half I was in the bathroom, both twins climbed 2 baby gates and went up the stairs. Ben was banging away on the computer keyboard, and Jacob was dipping my card reader into the toilet in the upstairs bathroom. I still haven't stopped to find out if it is permanently water-logged.

I decided to try to entertain them, but fever plus lack of sleep made for some grumpy, uninterested kids. Not even Veggietales could interest them. So I filled the kiddie pool in the yard and brought them out to play. Now most good mothers would not let their feverish children go skinny dipping, but I figured that Dr. Grandpa said to keep the fever down by cool baths, and this was close enough. That worked pretty well until our pet deer, Bambi, decided she wanted to swim too. That terrified the twins, so we came inside.

Now they are fed and sleeping (please God, let it be a long nap!). I have learned one important thing the past day and a half: If something happens to Dan, I will be taking resumes before he is even buried. I am not cut out to be a single mother!